Tuesday, October 30, 2012

sheer waste of time

Deep in thoughts
Grilling my mind
Scratching my head
Hoping to find

If there were any
Good days we shared
topics on we laughed
all memories come bared

All i remember is lying and deceit
You tore me bit by bit
In reality you were full of sh*t
Now i wonder if were u really worth it?

Thursday, October 25, 2012

wordology ;)

My 10 words and my take on it

1. Rain : Long walks
2. Friendship : forever
3. Life : Love
4. Money : Comforts
5. Love : Life
6. India : corruption
7. Download : U Torrentz
8. Husband : Pain in the rear
9. Books : My best friend
10. Cell Phone : necessity

This page has been submitted as a part of  Word-O-Logy Wednesday at "Coveted Dreams"

indifiction workshop : Revenge


Treisha lay naked in a pool of blood; her tongue slit...bruise marks all over the body. Her forehead was covered in blood, her face looks pale. Her lipstick, her eyeliner and mascara smudged on her face. I think she must have cried a lot. I can't breathe and I feel dizzy. I need something to sit-on. My legs suddenly feel weak.

Suddenly I feel a pat on my shoulder. I turn to see Treisha staring at me. Her eyes are shining and pleading as if trying to say something. I didn’t see her lips move but I heard her saying, "Help me", and those words keep echoing as she disappears in thick fog.

I open my eyes and sit up, I am sweating profusely and my throat is unusually dry. This is not the first time I have seen this dream. And I know this is not the last time either. I rub my eyes and look around. I recognize the dingy smell that fills the room. It’s hot and very humid. There is a very small window and I could only see moon and at times birds.


I miss freedom, I miss good food, and I miss my life... not that it was extra-ordinary. I have screwed it up a big time with my excessive use of drugs and careless lifestyle. I have AIDS. I know I will die soon. But I don't want to die with a tag of a murderer , that too murder of the only woman I loved and who loved me unconditionally.

 It’s been a year since Treisha was murdered. She might be a prostitute by profession but according to me she was no less than a lady. She would get gifts for children living in the orphanage, where she grew up. She was abandoned by her parents and the orphanage priest found her and took her in. She too wanted a normal life, we had planned to marry. She worked for a guy, the boss, who would get her clients. As the days passed she was getting desperate to leave the job .She would often say, "Let's run away to some place, where my boss will never be able to find us. I have enough money saved that could take care of us for a long time."

The day she died that very morning Treisha and I had a fight. I didn't want her to work as a prostitute anymore. I couldn't take the fact that she was sleeping with other men. In rage I slapped her. But I had no idea that that ill-fated fight would go against me and I would be accused of murdering my girl friend.

I know I have to die someday...if not be electric-chair than by AIDS.... but I don't want to die as my girl friend's killer. I wish I could somehow prove my innocence. The helpless feeling of not being able to do anything was killing me. I felt dizzy. I asked the guard, who was standing near my cell, if I could take a shower. That guard was a good man and the only one who thought I was innocent. He smiled and agreed to my request.

It is only 10 at night. I can hear other inmates laughing and joking. Every night, alcohol and drugs are smuggled inside the jail. I prefer to keep a low key; I am still to come to terms with the fact that in another 48 hrs, I have to face my fate - that dreaded chair.

I request the guard to unlock my cell so that I could take a shower. The guard unlocked it and I walked out of my cell. I noticed 5-6 inmates were already in the shower room. As I entered I could hear the mumbling. All of a sudden there was silence...I turn to see everybody leaving the shower room. 

I strip to get into the shower. I turn on the shower, before I could even step into it. All of a sudden, somebody holds my neck from behind, and pushes my head downwards. I try to stop him but he's too huge and too strong for me. I try to scream but that man covers my mouth with his smelly hands, turns me around and punches me hard across my face. I fall on the hard, slippery bathroom floor, and helplessly watch as the man sits on top of me forcing a smelly cloth in my mouth. 

I desperately try to recognize the man's face. He's drunk for sure. I can smell cheap whisky. The man turns me around.....I realize my hands have been tied and he forces himself on me. I wanted to scream and ask him to stop for his own good. But with cloth inside my mouth I can't. The man forces himself on me. He banged my head to the floor every time I resisted. He kept on talking, something about escaping, making a tunnel...I was in too much pain to concentrate. I was about to faint, but he stopped, I just collapsed on the floor with blood oozing out of my forehead.

I woke up next morning in 
my cell. Every part of my body pained due to all the physical abuse my body had to go through. Everything that happened last night came as a flash. I even remembered the big guy who molested me. His name is Billy - The Brawler, he's a boxer and he's serving his term for armed robbery. Nobody in this Penitentiary would mess with him.

It was my time to go and help the cleaner clean the bathrooms. As I stepped out and was about to go to work I saw the guy who molested me last night. I looked at him, I so wanted to kill him for doing what he did but I just looked down and tried to pass but he stopped me.

"Hey, Tracy Boy, I wanna have a word with ya" Billy looked at me; I was busy looking at his biceps. Fighting with him would mean dying 48 hrs before the stipulated time. He said " "Listen whatever happened last night, if you say that to anybody, I’ll beat the sh*t outta ya...do you understand me boy?"

I just nodded my head, desperate to run away from him. He stopped me again “I was too drunk ... but really enjoyed last night, I think would do it again with ya, someday when I am in my senses." He showed his weed stained teeth.

I gathered some courage and said "I know about you and your tunnel..." Hearing this blood drained from Billy’s face. I continued "I too want to escape from this dreaded place. Help me escape this place and your secret will be safe with me. I’ll do whatever you want me to. " Sleeping with him was a very small price to pay for freedom.

The boxer guy studied me for a minute. Then he smiled "Ya'sure, you'd do anythin I ask ya of?" I again nodded my head. He again flashed his brownish yellowish teeth. "Okay will think about it" then he leaned closer” we are not finished, you’ll be seeing a lot of me" I remembered last night. It gave me the creeps but I wanted to be free so I agreed

He slapped me on my butt...and he walked away and then he turned and said "midnight... my cell...I’ll
 tell the guards" he flashed his teeth again.

I was in Arlington, if I ever escaped from this place. I had to reach New York in one piece. I had to find THE BOSS..... But I scold myself to concentrate on the immediate problem...escaping from the prison and even before that... facing Billy... again. Just the thought of his name made me frown.

I somehow got through the day. At the time of the lunch, I knew Billy’s eyes followed me where ever I went. I tried to ignore it. Every time I look at him, horrifying scenes of last night comes flashing back, sending shivers down my spine. I saw Billy walking towards me flashing his stained teeth. My first reaction was to run, but then I chose to stay. He came too close for comfort and he said " Black Birds are gonna fly tonight." It took me more than a minute to register the message.

We were summoned to go back to our respective cells. As we started moving, I saw Billy along with an inmate sneaking few buckets. I just wondered how well-built and strong these guys were. They carried two buckets with such ease and they even hid it behind them, whenever it was needed. 

Billy noticed that I was looking at him. He smiled his irritating smile and winked at me. I wondered If Treisha too faced such things?? How did she cope with it??? No wonder she was so desperate to leave that job and get back to her normal life.

I reached my cell and as I lie on my bunk. I thought what must have pushed Treisha to prostitution. Okay she was an Orphan ...but all orphans do not become prostitutes. Somebody must have pushed her into it. I remember asking Treisha once and she said..." I have been physically and mentally abused since I was a Kid... so now it doesn't matter...I am used to it. Moreover "The Boss" has taken care of me...even as a kid. He will take care of me always."

Soon puzzle started falling into place. ‘The boss’ must be the guy who too lived in the orphanage or maybe he managed it. He was never happy about Treisha leaving prostitution. Maybe he was behind her death. I feel so impotent and helpless about the fact that I cannot do anything about it anymore.

I was engrossed in deep thought...when I heard my cell door open, Jail Sergeant along with the lawyers entered. 

Reagan...My lawyer smiled his sympathetic smile. I looked at him and smiled back. Jose the public attorney looked at me with contempt. I reciprocated the feeling. My court scene flashed in my mind. The way he accused me, the way he brought my AIDS and Drug addiction into the picture to prove me the murderer. Okay, I have AIDS ...I was a drug addict. But I will never kill my girlfriend.

Jose said “Tomorrow at 12:00 noon. You would be executed. Do you have anything to say? I nodded my head. They left.

It all began to get too much for me and turmoil began to swirl in the centre of my being to the point that I was nauseous with it until I couldn't contain it anymore and it all came pouring out of me like a dam had just burst open. I cried ,not because I will be dead by this time tomorrow, but because of the fact that I couldn’t get justice for Treisha. The murderer is still scott free, roaming around on the streets of New York.

 For the first time in so many years I thought about my parents. My parents are small time Grocery store owners in Texas. They had disowned me for not joining family business. They have no idea their son is going to get executed .

Against everybody’s wishes I had come to New York to become a sketch artist. I always wanted to be an artist. In New York, I met Louis, who too was in the same profession,was a drug addict and the one who introduced me to drugs like cocaine, ecstasy. We would go to strip clubs, screw whores. It was then I met Treisha. I was so high on drugs all the time that I messed up my entire career. Soon I had no money, no food and no house. It was Treisha who came to my rescue...she took me in.

After a year, my body started growing weak, I looked pale. I thought it one of the few side effects of drugs. But Treisha forced me to get myself checked. It was then we discovered I was HIV +. She could have thrown me out of the house. But she did not. I still remember, her face went soft and she said don't worry we would fight it together. 

So many things happened with Treisha. It could have turned anybody bitter towards life and people. But she was always smiling. In that multiple layers of make-up there was a woman, who was beautiful not only from the outside but also from the inside. She made me quit drugs lead a normal life. She didn't deserve to die like that.

I promised myself I will escape from this hell-hole and find that murderer. I know I am going to die soon and I also know I will not die on that dreaded chair.

I was back to reality with a loud noise. "Dinner" One of the guards screamed. My cell door opened. I went down and I saw Billy talking to one of the guards. He looked at me and he said he wants me inside the shower room again. The guard laughed. I looked questioningly at him and he held my neck from behind and forced my inside the shower room. It was empty as I suspected. 

I was scared... I knew what was coming. Billy whistled and 5 other inmates came out. I looked around quizzically and then I turned to Billy, wondering what he had in mind.  Billy like always flashed his teeth and said "Not today, Boy. I will enjoy your company out of this Prison"

He took out a sheet of paper. A map was drawn on it. Billy started whispering " The guards think that I am screwing you. So they have turned off the cameras. But that’s gonna be for just 15 minutes. So we have execute our plan within that time.” He looked at me. I nodded my head .He continued “The Square that you see here is our Penitentiary.  We have made a tunnel in the bathroom. This goes parallel to the drain pipes. It would lead us to the main gutter. From there to river Stillaguamish and we're free."

"Any questions?" he asked. All of us nodded our heads.

"Let’s strip and cover our bodies with grease, so that our movement cannot be easily detected".  Billy ordered. We did as we were told. We went inside one of the toilets. There was a small tunnel. One by one we entered the tunnel. Billy was the last one to enter it. He covered the tunnel again with a commode.

 It was very dark and the entire tunnel was infested with rats and deadly ants. It really didn't bother me much. Because all I wanted was to be out this terrible place. The smell was awful. We were butt-naked and  ants and rats had a dinner party at our expense . But we were not suppose to make any noise... because the tunnel would echo and guards would know prisoners were trying to escape. We kept moving. I could hear water somewhere. The sound of water kept increasing. Billy whispered "STOP" and he started pushing something through the wall. All of a sudden, the entire tunnel collapsed into the gutter. We were in the main gutter. Everybody rejoiced. In spite being in the sewage and seeing stool floating in front of me still I felt very happy. There was just one problem. The iron plate that separated the gutter from the stream 

Billy with the help of an equally strong man...moved up and started unscrewing the bolts. All of a sudden we could hear somebody coming. Immediately everybody   went under water. It was so dirty and filthy. The stench was unbearable. Soon we could hear somebody coming in and again leaving. After couple of minutes we came out to find the area clear. Again Billy along with the other guy started unscrewing the bolts. Finally they did. One by one we jumped into the river.

We started swimming towards the shore. AIDS had made me weak. I couldn't swim. I was drowning. Somebody just scooped me up and took me ashore. It was Billy. But as soon as I came out of the river so much of excitement had already taken a toll on me. I saw Billy grinning at me and I drifted off to sleep.

Billy punched me and woke me up “Hey boy not the right place to sleep. Get up and get dressed."I got up with difficulty and I got dressed. He took me to a cheap dormitory, where we had our bath.

 Billy soon took an opportunity to have a way with me. I did not stop him this time. After we were done, He gave me $ 800 and said it was a parting gift. Along with that he took me to a saloon and shaved my head and brought some new clothes. He asked "Where would you go, now?"

I smiled and said "New York"

Billy looked earnestly at me and said "I like you boy"

"I know you do but not for very long" I answered.

Billy looked quizzically at me and then turned and walked off

I collected my things and took a bus to New York City. I checked my watch it was 12:00 noon, the time I was supposed to get executed. I guess God had better plans for me. Regarding Billy he was already adequately punished...he's got my deadly disease too. Now only one person is left who's to be brought to justice. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

my son my friend

Standing in the middle of the road
Silently waving you good-bye
It seems you were just born yesterday
I am amazed to see how time fly.

I promise I will smile
I promise no tear will be shed
But every day when u return from school
will always wonder if you are properly fed

I promise to love u
nurture you and be your friend
I promise to be there for you 
even till the end

Friday, October 19, 2012

i miss u

I stand on the footpath
and i see the world go by
there is a profound guilt
that would often make me cry

If only I could get one chance
to correct my mistake
but, Oh, life is not a film
where I could give a retake

I wish I was there by her side
when she needed me
I wish i could take care of her
that would have set me free

Everybody has to go someday
but now i feel so lost.
Now I have no one to guide me
Oh Maa i miss you the most.

Monday, October 15, 2012

learn to let go

love on the brink of breaking -up is like a dance where one person is trying to hold and pull the other close while other is busy dreaming about a third person . so wish heart came with a switch board. You turn off the 
feeling you hold for a person and turn on the affection toward a more 
deserving candidate, who you know would love you back. I just wish it was 
this easy to LET GO

"How long have you been going around with Ayesha?" I tried to sound impassive and unaffected as much as I could muster. I knew I was screaming inside, howling. Felt like throwing things.
Ayesha was a woman who too worked with my soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. I knew they were good friends. I have seen Sims’s coming in weird time of the night. I knew the trouble was staring me in my face but I chose to turn a blind eye. Someone too confident and too stupid, once said let your love fly...let it touch the sky...if it comes back to you it’s yours...if it doesn't it was never meant to be yours. Well for his/her kind information my love isn’t coming.
"Are you all right?" my boyfriend interrupted.
Yeah right even if I was the saddest person on this planet, he would be the last person I am going to discuss it with. But I am okay. I might howl tonight...maybe even tomorrow...maybe for a week or month....but I know I am going to be out of this very soon. Moreover my friends always said I deserved better.
"Yeah I am fine" I try to smile “You did not answer my question."
"It’s been a couple of months; remember when I had gone to Thailand for that training?" He paused...and he looked at me. I tried to maintain that same expression. He then continued "I came to know her very well and we realized we were attracted to each other"
What is it with these people. I really didn't ask him to talk about every minute detail of his cheating expedition.So I cut him short and just muttered "hmm"
"Please don't take it personally. It’s not you. You are a great girl with an amazing sense of humor. But I love her and it wouldn't be fair to you, if I just continued like this" he said...
What a pathetic way of consoling. I decided to break my silence "What do you mean by not personal, it was personal. It may not be personal to you, it was personal to me. Stop acting like Mahatma Gandhi...that whatever you did was for the good of mankind. Whatever you did was for your own good.You did not think about me, even for a second."
Oh no, I just proved I was feeling emotionally 'vulnerable'. I desperately tried to save the situation by saying “Anyways relax dude, had you not broken-up with me, I would have. Cause this entire thing wasn't working for me either. I want my single status back. I wish to be single-ready-to-mingle again."
He smiled 'We'll continue to be friends, hopefully?"
Yeah in your dream buster I thought to myself but I just chose to smile. "You guys do make a perfect couple, enjoy" I did try to be my sarcastic best...but it didn't come out that nicely. I stood up and left the coffee shop.
I so wanted to cry. I wanted to run to my place and go to my room and cry my heart out. But I couldn't I still had to go to my office. I had a client meeting. I realized it's really painful to say goodbye to someone that you don’t want to let go-but it’s even more painful to ask someone to stay if they don't want to stay.
The most difficult part after breaking up is going to your workplace and carrying that curve line on your face and pretending everything is fine.
Soon after the work was over, I just rushed home and cried and cried for one whole week. I stayed at home. Met nobody...did not take any calls .After 7 days, 8 chocolate bars, 2.5 liters of Coke and Pizzas day in and day out. I started introspecting.
I realized everybody starts introspecting what might have gone wrong after a broken relationship, at one point, you even blame yourself..you think whatever happened was because of you. But then realization starts dawning that it was not your fault, it was nobody's fault- actually, and sometimes feelings are gone. Its then you finally are able to put the past behind you and forget (o.k. I am not really optimistic about forgetting it that soon. But yes, the past is behind me).
I am enjoying mingling with guys in my workplace and even in my gym. All of sudden I feel free and brand new. The relationship was such a burden. My girlfriends are happy to have me back in the group so is my family.
After this I don't think I am stepping into a relationship very soon. I think being single is the way to be. Trust me when I say “Sex and the City" is way more fun than "Desperate housewives" in my case "Desperate Girlfriends".

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

MOVING ON IN LIFE : a funny concept

I m having a hard time understanding the concept of "moving on in life". U actually don't really move on. You just condition your brain..to keep that thing or the person in the darkest side of ur conscious level..till it becomes a habit. But what happens when u see that person or the thing again???? Its then you realize u never really moved on.....u are right there...feeling the same thing..:(


Last evening, I met my ex-boyfriend. He was shopping with his Girlfriend. I was running after my daughter Kavya when i bumped into him. We both recognized the moment we saw each other. There was a wide-eyed amazement in both our eyes.He introduced me to his girlfriend.She was frail looking, impeccably dressed and hand feet manicured /pediured ...whtever it is...make-up tastefully done. She too was a Banker."Exactly the kind he liked" I thought ruefully.

I knew i looked shabby..with hair standing in all direction. Wearing my 12 yr old most comfortable pair of jeans and a round neck t-shirt....sans make up...unluckily that very moment i realized i haven't had my eyebrows plucked since last couple of months (wow there goes my confidence)..forget the pedicures and manicures..that would be luxury.

I noticed they both looked amazing together. The kind you see on page 3. I was a wee-bit jealous....okk let me correct.....i was extra ordinarily jealous. I should have been holding that remarkable ....greek god looking man's hand.

 My husband came calling me..I introduced him to my husband and we exchanged numbers and then they left. 

He's been on my mind since then.The old memories came rushing to me.No matter how much i fought it...everything in minutest detail i remembered (and i thought i had moved on...what a pity). The time he proposed.... Our evenings in hobby center and how he hated lemon soda with salt..everything and the reason why we really broke-off. We fought over a guy, who used to work with me, then we chose to never see each other again. After few months, he called up to say that he was moving to Boston but i ignored his call.... then he SMSed me and told me about his plan. I chose not to return back the call(okk i agree i am an idiot). We never spoke after that.

Even after 9 yrs ..... he still loooks amazing. He hasn't aged a bit. As I was thinking about him, I get a call and I see  its his ( my exbfs) number. I take his call. Well it seems he too was thinking about me. He told me the exact same things that i thought about him...that I haven't changed a bit, haven't aged a bit, looked very pretty( well i m not sure...if he was telling the truth). He asked me..if I could meet him all alone someday and catch up on old times.

I really used to think we both had "moved on in life". But in reality we didn't. We were still on that old block and feeling the same thing. 

I thought for a bit...I looked at my husband...who was happily watching TV. I realized i am still attracted to my exboyfriend and I guess the feeling is the same as it was 9 years back. But my status wasn't same anymore..i was married to a man....who was remarkable in his own cute,adorable way. So I politely declined the offer and went to my husband...and slept hugging him. I know that my ex boy frnd was still there in some corner of my brain... will continue to be there for the rest of my life.... there is def.ly "no moving on" happening as far as i can see. :( 

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

There was a time.......

There was a time
When we had gentlemen
Sophisticated and tall
and Mr. Know-it-all

There was a time
when we had Ladies
soft and elegant
never so blatant

There was a time 
when we had love at first sight
eyes shy and lips trembling
happy songs are what the heart's singing

But that time is long gone
In the times of "boys will be boys"
the for-ever boy and girl tucked in the blanket
Love is only limited to  body and pocket. 

(this thing written after finishing Jane Austen's sense and sensibility for the 100th time...couldn't stop myself from comparing then and now)